5 Ways to Kill an Ad (warning: humor)
If in your career you ever decide to create an ad that is so abhorrent, so off-putting, that no one will ever bother to even glance upon its headline, here are 5 pieces of advice to carry out your mission.
Or, if you’d rather not accomplish this feat, then avoid these 5 dangerous mistakes at all cost.
1. Do exactly what everyone else is doing
This way your business will not stand out in any way. You will not come off as unique or better than your competition. In fact, you may blend in so well that no one will even notice you at all.
Bonus Tip: Research “camouflage” on Wikipedia
2. Promise more than you can deliver
Build your prospects’ expectations only to send them crashing down in a fiery ball of disappointment. If you promise a free trial or sample, inform all callers that they missed the deadline by 5 minutes. When they claim that the ad said there was no deadline, simply change the subject, or disconnect the call.
Bonus Tip: In the ad, tell readers to call between the hours of 4-7 pm. When they call, tell them you’re extremely busy and that is in fact the worst possible time to reach you.
3. Design your ad according to these specifications
Headline: Small font, neon in color, over an image of similar color
Body: Bold and capitalized over an enlarged version of your logo.
By putting your text over images, it’ll be very difficult to read. Most people won’t even bother.
Bonus Tip: For added effect, change font size of headline and body text periodically throughout your ad.
4. Write about yourself as much as possible.
Never mind about your prospect. This ad is an opportunity to finally get your 15 minutes of fame. It should include your biography, the name of your 3 best friends, as well as your favorite color (if you have many favorite colors, explain why it’s so nice to have more than one). And don’t forget your entire resume.
Bonus Tip: Include pictures of all pets you currently, or have ever, owned. If you don’t have photos, get out your crayons and go to work.
5. Confuse your call to action
If you insist on having a call to action, make it a difficult process of re-direction. By this I mean have your call to action be a link to a website. Have this website contain a contact form. 3-5 days after your prospect fills out your contact form, send them an e-mail with a 1-800 number which contains a voice recording saying to call another number. Make sure that your prospect will find this number to be either disconnected, or connecting them to a foreign country.
Bonus Tip: Or simply place a wrong number in very small letters in a corner of your ad.
If you follow these 5 tips, I guarantee no ad you ever write will succeed. Or, if you’d rather make money and achieve success and high demand, take my advice and do the exact opposite.
To better writing (and more money),