5 Ways to Kill an Ad (warning: humor)

Hey there,

If in your career you ever decide to create an ad that is so abhorrent, so off-putting, that no one will ever bother to even glance upon its headline, here are 5 pieces of advice to carry out your mission.

Or, if you’d rather not accomplish this feat, then avoid these 5 dangerous mistakes at all cost.

1. Do exactly what everyone else is doing

camo2This way your business will not stand out in any way. You will not come off as unique or better than your competition. In fact, you may blend in so well that no one will even notice you at all.

Bonus Tip: Research “camouflage” on Wikipedia

2. Promise more than you can deliver

Build your prospects’ expectations only to send them crashing down in a fiery ball of disappointment. If you promise a free trial or sample, inform all callers that they missed the deadline by 5 minutes. When they claim that the ad said there was no deadline, simply change the subject, or disconnect the call.

Bonus Tip: In the ad, tell readers to call between the hours of 4-7 pm. When they call, tell them you’re extremely busy and that is in fact the worst possible time to reach you.

3. Design your ad according to these specifications

Headline: Small font, neon in color, over an image of similar color

Body: Bold and capitalized over an enlarged version of your logo.

By putting your text over images, it’ll be very difficult to read. Most people won’t even bother.pino

Bonus Tip: For added effect, change font size of headline and body text periodically throughout your ad.

4. Write about yourself as much as possible.

Never mind about your prospect. This ad is an opportunity to finally get your 15 minutes of fame. It should include your biography, the name of your 3 best friends, as well as your favorite color (if you have many favorite colors, explain why it’s so nice to have more than one). And don’t forget your entire resume.

Bonus Tip: Include pictures of all pets you currently, or have ever, owned. If you don’t have photos, get out your crayons and go to work.

5. Confuse your call to action

If you insist on having a call to action, make it a difficult process of re-direction. By this I mean have your call to action be a link to a website. Have this website contain a contact form. 3-5 days after your prospect fills out your contact form, send them an e-mail with a 1-800 number which contains a voice recording saying to call another number. Make sure that your prospect will find this number to be either disconnected, or connecting them to a foreign country.

Bonus Tip: Or simply place a wrong number in very small letters in a corner of your ad.confus

If you follow these 5 tips, I guarantee no ad you ever write will succeed. Or, if you’d rather make money and achieve success and high demand, take my advice and do the exact opposite.

To better writing (and more money),

David

11 Replies to “5 Ways to Kill an Ad (warning: humor)”

  1. David,

    I liked the part about the call to action the most. I have to admit I’ve been guilty of confusing my call to action quite a bit! Haha. I’ll never confuse my readers again!

    Thanks,
    Barry

  2. Hey man,
    Standing out from the crowd can be difficult, especially with so much out there. These tips will be helpful in doing just that, so thanks!

  3. I made all these mistakes in the beginning when I started marketing my personal training business. In my ads and previous websites, it was just glorifying me and my experience and certifications. I never thought about writing my ad in texts that my market niche could relate too.
    I also made my ads very similar to my competition which did not make me look any different from my competitors.
    I started studying salescopy writers and practicing their methods for my adds. After learning how to right direct response ads, I have been able to pull more leads and then convert those leads into sales.

    Thanks for the tips, sometimes we need a reminder.

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